Welcome To My Breakdown
by Pinkie Tuscadaro
Summary: Back from Vancouver, Craig confronts Ashley about her English boyfriend. And Jimmy.
1. Chapter 1

Wow. I was back. It's funny how a place looks more like itself, more than it ever did, when you're away and come back.

There was Manny coming to meet me, dressed all sexy, all grown up. I had my sunglasses on, my guitar over my shoulder. I guess I hadn't called her as much as I should have. I didn't call anyone all that much. I was moving on. You know. Music. It was what I wanted to do. Ellie and Marco were going to college to pursue, writing and whatever. We were all moving on.

Still, Manny looked good and it was nice to see her. I closed my eyes and I could see her, see how she looked when I first met her. We were such kids then, God.

We went to Ellie and Marco's, Dylan's too I guess. Marco and Dylan, living in sin. I had to smile at them, so sure of themselves and themselves together. I glanced at Manny while I played some of my new songs, tapping her watch. Her hair had this blue shine it was so black. If she knew what I'd been doing in Vancouver, all the girls I was fooling around with, if she had a clue…

The next morning I woke up, my mouth dry as cotton. Downstairs I poured some coffee, stuck it in the microwave. No one was here, they were all at school. Man, was I glad I didn't have to go to school. I never liked it all that much, learning a bunch of facts I didn't care about, taking tests like some monkey. I wanted to do what I wanted to do, take pictures, write songs, play music. School just cut into the time I had to do those things.

I remembered I was supposed to read lines with Manny. She wanted to audition for some T.V. show. So I headed over to Degrassi, figured I could find her there. This school. Boy. It was some of the worst years of my life at that school. Well, not really. Let's just say I was glad it was over.

Manny, outside by the stairs, smiling at me with her new sad and wise smile. Her veiled disappointment. It was okay, I felt the little tingle in my nose from my last line of cocaine, the little bit of energy left. I grabbed the script form her hands, flipped to the part she was going to read. Sometimes I read lines with this girl from Vancouver, but it always ended with us making out.

Behind her, up by the doors, I thought I saw Ashley. Ashley. There was a girl I wasn't too good at forgetting. Maybe I was kind of obsessed with her. Or in love. Where's the difference between love and obsession? It was Ashley, she turned and looked out through the glass, and she saw me. Our eyes met for one second, and it all passed between us. The broken trust, the betrayal, the lies, the intimacy, all the depth and fathomlessness of our whole relationship. I sucked in my breath, she looked away, and then she was gone.

"Craig?" Manny said, the last line from the script hanging in the air. Meaningless.

"Huh? Oh, yeah," I picked it up again, my part, my line, the thought that Ashley didn't matter anymore. I'd heard she was dating Jimmy. Good. Good for them.

The show that night, and they were all there. Ellie, Marco, Spinner. I guess Spinner had redeemed himself from his part in the whole Jimmy/Rick thing. I felt bad about how I had treated him badly about that, freaking out at him at the lunch during the Kevin Smith movie and all. It's the blame thing. It's nice to have someone to stick all the responsibility to. Now I realize it doesn't quite work that way. Things just happen and we're all responsible.

Manny had drifted away from Emma and Sean, and Emma leaned against Sean all cozily. At a table right up front was Jimmy and Ashley, reaching across the table and holding hands. Ashley's hair was so long, I'd never seen it that long. I kept playing my little drowning song, and Jimmy would look at me from time to time, but not Ashley.

Backstage, packing all my gear, going down the long back hall, who did I see?

"Hey, Craig," Ashley, standing in the hall, her hair all long and curly, her clothes more…I don't know. Sexy. Normal. The last bit of the punky thing was gone.

"Hey," I said, not meaning to sound as bitter as I did. I was over her. I'd forgotten all about her.

"I just wanted to see how you were," she said.

"I'm fine," I said. She looked happy, happier than I'd ever seen her. I hung my head, she looked happier than she ever had with me. It was okay. It was all good.

"Good,"

I was getting mad. I remembered that gay bar, all dressed up in my stupid suit, my mother's ring in my hand. Down on my knees asking her, pleading with her to marry me. It was all I had wanted, she was everything. It wasn't the bipolar, it wasn't. She never understood that. She never understood that it was me.

"Ashley, why'd you ditch me for that guy in England?" I said it quick and angry, and I could have kicked myself. That wasn't playing it cool. That wasn't moving on.

"Craig, that was a long time ago-"

"A year! That's it! And now you're with Jimmy? Shit, Ashley, you meant so fucking much to me, you-oh forget it! What does it matter? I know why you left,"

The dim hallway, graffiti on the walls, dust sticking to the ducts in the ceiling above us. The walls closing in. She didn't look all that happy anymore.

"Do you? Do you really, Craig? You were smothering me. I couldn't, I couldn't think straight with you around. And the bipolar, you'd go off your meds, and you scared me, Craig. Everything was too intense with you. It was too much. I loved you, I did, but it was all stress and worry and fear and I was gonna have a mental breakdown. Again. I'd already had one when you got Manny pregnant. I couldn't-I just couldn't do it anymore,"


	2. Chapter 2

What could I say? I looked at her, her long curly hair so different than it was just last year. No more spiky reddish punk hair. No more Sex Pistols torn clothes. She was so put together now, from her red lip gloss to the black leather boots. And how about me? Didn't graduate high school, holed up in some Vancouver apartment trying to put an album together but the parties and the girls and the coke seemed to be getting in the way.

We weren't over anything. All the way back to 10th grade when I fooled around with Manny. The concrete of the hallway floor felt hard and cold even through my sneakers, and I noticed how the white lights that were every two feet or so made her hair look shiny even through the gloom.

There was nothing I could say to her, looking at the obvious hurt in her eyes. There was no graceful way to get out of this, and we still both stood there, remembering shit. I remembered when I went to her house right before she was going to leave for England, how she said I couldn't follow her and everything seemed to just crash down around me.

What could I do? Apologize again for that whole Manny thing? For being bipolar? I shook my head, picked up my guitar case.

"Listen, Ash, uh, want to go get a coffee or a beer or something?"

She gave me that quizzical look of hers, laughed a little, shrugged.

"Sure. Why not?"

We went to a bar and ordered our beers and before long they arrived, tall glasses filled to the top. I took a long swallow and she took a little sip.

"So how's the road?" she said, wistful, her head bent to the side.

"Good. You know. Boring sometimes, but being onstage is worth it," Sipping our beers, and it occurred to me that she was still in high school. That seemed weird, like being stuck behind. I didn't really want to bring it up, like it might be a sore spot, but she brought it up.

"Yeah, being in high school this year just seems…wrong,"

"I bet,"

"But, you know, Jimmy and Spinner are still there, so that's okay,"

Jimmy. I remembered suddenly the time in ninth grade when she was seeing him, remembered her long black goth dress and heavy charcoal eye make-up and crimson lipstick. She struggled with the camera at arm's length, trying to take a picture. I liked her even then. She was cool and mature and the goth thing was kind of scary but in a good way. I offered to take the picture for her, and she said, 'it's for Jimmy,' and that made me mad and jealous and frustrated at the same time but I played it cool, 'yeah,' I said, like no big deal. Now she was seeing him again. Whatever.

We finished off the first beers and then had another, and alcohol always made it easier. Made the bitter memories less so, I guess. Smoothed off the rough edges.

"Where are you staying? Joey moved, didn't he?"

"Yeah. Um, he did. I'm staying with Ellie and Marco,"

I invited her back with me and she had that moment of looking like she wasn't certain. Maybe Jimmy would mind or something. I braced myself for her to say no.

"Yeah, sure,"

Took a cab back to Ellie's, and she seemed a little drunk but those two beers really didn't touch me. She smiled more, and laughed more, and leaned into me like she used to do. I wanted her. I didn't care about Jimmy, or Ellie's lovesick looks, or Manny thinking she was my girlfriend. I wanted Ashley and I always had.

"Guess they're asleep," she said as we stepped into the dark living room, giggling and leaning into me.

"Shhhhh, don't wake them," I stage whispered to her, and she put her hand over her mouth. I took her hand and pulled her up to the room that Ellie said I could sleep in. This house was crazy, it had a formal dining room and living room and about a million bedrooms. And every room was sort of shabby, nicks in the furniture, the paint splattered onto the doorways and window sills, scuffs on the hardwood floors.

She flopped down on the bed and spread her legs slightly, just like she did when we got the hotel room. I sucked in my breath.

"Hey, Ash, I got party favors,"

"What?" Quizzical look again, and she put her knees together, sat up a little.

I took out the bag of coke I had and showed it to her, and her eyes widened. I got ready for a lecture, I could just hear it now.

"You wanna try some?" I said, pushing bravely forward, being the bad influence. She licked her lips, looked off to the side for a second, then smiled at me.

"Sure. Why not?"

I got out my little mirror and dumped the powder onto the smooth surface, chopped it into neat little lines with my razor, then rolled up an American hundred dollar bill.

"Been to the States lately?" she asked, and I nodded.

"I go all over," I told her, and then leaned over and snorted the first line, closed my eyes and felt the rush. I handed the hundred to her, watched her lean over the mirror, her long curly hair obscuring her face.


	3. Chapter 3

Shit, was she sexy. I snorted a few extra lines, since she wasn't used to it, I was guessing. Coke wasn't really a huge problem around Degrassi.

Dilated pupils, and in her eyes there was just a ring of blue around the black. I knew my eyes looked the same, I'd seen them in mirrors when I'd snorted coke before.

"Craig," she said, sort of in a whisper.

"Yeah?" I was close to her, I could kiss her, if I wanted to. I just wasn't sure if I dared.

"This stuff is…amazing," I smiled at her and she was high. So was I.

"I know, it isn't that street shit with all those chemicals, rat poison and what not, it's top notch stuff,"

"Because you're a rock star?" she said, and laughed, but softly.

"Yeah, that's why," I didn't think I could stand it anymore, not touching her. She was the only girl I'd ever been with that made me lose my mind.

She leaned back, her legs just spread so slightly. I could feel my heart beating as I looked at her. Shit, I wanted her. I licked my lips. I wouldn't. There was Jimmy and Manny and all of that between us, England and Ellie and my being bipolar and all the rest of it. It was not a good idea.

"Craig," she said, and looked right into my eyes, tugged on my shirt so I'd come onto the bed with her. I couldn't resist. If she was going to be making the first moves what could I do? Who was I to say no?

"Ashley," I breathed her name around my heart beating so loud in my ears, and my nose tingled from the cocaine, and I could feel my thoughts start to race. From drugs, from not taking my lithium in weeks, from just being around Ashley like this again when I sort of thought I'd never be again, I didn't know. Didn't care. Leaned toward her, our faces so close, and I could feel her breath against my cheek. Brushed my lips against hers, tasted that sweet taste that was just her. Ashley.

"Craig, I don't know if we should…" I ignored her weak protest, and leaned into her, pushed her back down against the bed, so that she was lying down, and I tangled my hands into her new long curly hair.

"Why not?" I said, whispered in her ear, making her shiver. Kissed her temple, kissed her cheek, kissed her lips again, slipped one hand up and under her shirt, feeling the silky lacy material of her bra, and her smooth skin beneath.

She tried to pull away again even though my weight was on her, and she was breathing fast, and I could feel her heart beating, too.

"We shouldn't because, because of Jimmy…"

Jimmy. Sure. He was my friend and after all he'd been through what was I doing? Betraying his trust and all. Like I betrayed everyone's trust. But what was he doing with Ashley? What was he doing with her when he knew, he had known, how I felt about her?

So I pulled away, sat up, even though I could have just gone on and she'd stop protesting it sooner or later. Ran my hand through my hair, glanced at the little square mirror with the white dust on it. Stopping me just like she had that time up in her bedroom. Like she always did.

"I got some more coke. Want another line?" I said, trailing my fingertips lightly along the inside of her arm, and she closed her eyes, smiled a little.

"Sure,"

So I dumped some more of it onto the mirror, chopped it up into lines with my razor, and let her go first. Then it was my turn.

"What do you want to do now?" I asked her, staring into her dilated eyes, watching the slight smile on her face. I licked my lips again, touched her hands, her arms, her shoulders with slow smooth movements, motions. All the nerve endings were alive and seeking out pleasure. I knew how it was. I guided her back to the bed.

"Huh?" I said, my voice just above a whisper, my eyes half closed as I touched her, the pressure increasing, and she shifted her weight, and I could hear the rustle of her clothes, driving me crazy.

"Whatever you want," she said, closing her eyes, letting me get on top of her, letting me lift her shirt up over her head, letting me unhook her bra as she arched her back. Letting me encircle her nipple with my tongue, and she moaned. That sound. I loved when I could make girls make that sound.

"Like that?" I said, looking up at her, and she nodded, so I did it to the other one. I unsnapped her jeans, pulled the zipper down, slipped them off. Fuck Jimmy. Oh well. His loss.

It was nice. Slipped her panties off, little lacy silk things that matched the bra. Held her wrists above her head and kissed her, felt like an animal, I wanted to eat her, own her. Shrugged my jeans off, pulled the boxers off, tossed them aside. Could really feel the coke now, just pulsing through my blood stream. I could do anything.

"Craig," she said, her eyes closed, and she moved her hips in anticipation. I kissed her neck, slow and soft, and she moved her hips again. I was making her wait. Heightening the anticipation. I knew what I was doing. I'd been with a ton of girls since I left home and with each one I learned something. Learned how to make girls moan and breathe my name, learned how to back off a climax until it would build to such intense levels that the girls could barely speak.

I was in control. She was along for the ride. She'd see how different it was since the time we fucked at that hotel room when I barely knew what the hell I was doing. I kissed her neck, the hollow below her throat, I searched for that elusive G-spot, my fingers pressing on those dark wet spaces until I found it and she sucked in her breath. Slipped into her and rocked back and forth, hitting the G-spot again and again.

"Craig, oh my God," she had trouble getting the words out, and I smiled.


	4. Chapter 4

I woke up at Ellie and Marco's house, the sun streaming into the room. I hated the sun. I always felt like shit when I first saw it, when it streamed in whatever window it was in the morning. I was always crashing.

The dull headache behind my eyes, my mouth all dry. I felt like I couldn't move. At night, when the coke is at the exact right level in my bloodstream and I have that feeling that anything is possible, I never consider this moment. I'm in the valley.

A line of coke would do just fine but I usually didn't do that in the morning to fight this feeling. I liked to think I wasn't quite that deprived. I'd have coffee, maybe juice, tell myself that was it, I wouldn't do coke anymore. That lovely little promise to myself always fell down and got broken, but it sounded so good in the morning. The damn sun. I squinted my eyes against it and Ashley rustled the sheets next to me.

"Craig," she said, her eyes half shut. She sounded like a little cat.

"Hey, good morning," I said, wishing my head didn't ache like this, wishing my lips and tongue weren't cracked and dry.

Ashley even looked good in the morning, her hair all messy curly around her face. Her face looks kind of soft when she first wakes up.

The door opened slowly and Ellie stood there in a long shirt, her long red hair falling over one shoulder. She held two cups of coffee, one in each hand. I watched the steam rise from them, watched how the sun made her hair look really really red.

"I brought coffee," she said, holding one out to me, and then she saw Ash. Her eyes widened just a little bit and the coffee cup in her hand trembled. Then she regained her composure.

"Uh, Ashley, hi,"

"Hi, Elle," Ash said, watching as she handed me the cup of coffee. Ashley was laying on her side, propped up on one elbow.

"Do you, uh, want some coffee?" Ellie said to her, and she wasn't looking at me at all. Ashley smiled a contented smile and she reminded me of a cat again.

"No. That's okay,"

"Okay, uh, see you later," Ellie said, sort of backing out of the room, holding her cup of coffee close to herself. The door softly clicked behind her. When we heard her footsteps on the stairs Ashley laughed.

"What?" I said.

"Oh my God. She is so in love with you," She said it so matter of fact.

"What?" I said, thinking I must be pretty oblivious but I missed that. And I thought about last year, practicing late and alone with Ellie, hanging out with her so much, and for me it was just friendship. I had known it was more for her, of course I had known. I guess I just put it out of my mind.

"Just ignoring it, huh?" Ash said, still smiling at me. I nodded, twirled a long strand of her hair around my finger.

"Yeah, well, she thinks I'm dating Manny, so should it be that upsetting that you're here?" I said, and Ashley giggled. I was glad she found this so amusing.

"I guess not. Who can fight that logic?"

The few sips of the coffee already made me feel a little better. Ashley looked so beautiful with the sun shining on her like that. So I guess the sun wasn't all bad. God, I had missed her.


End file.
